


Closest to Home

by livingvakariouslythroughyou (supercow585)



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Maybe some smut at the end, Romance, former Thane/Female Shepard - Freeform, slight AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-13
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-02-08 09:23:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1935567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supercow585/pseuds/livingvakariouslythroughyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard and Vakarian were always an unstoppable team, and once upon a time they might have been more than that. But then life happened, Shepard fell for Thane, and Garrus thought he lost his chance to be anything more than her best friend. But when Garrus comforts Shepard as she grieves for Thane, the universe gives them one more chance and they both realize that there's no Shepard without Vakarian.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Shepard felt a single tear slide down her cheek as she returned the framed picture in her hand to its place on piano. The memorial had gone very well with a respectable turnout, but by this point nearly everyone had filed out. Koylat, one of the last remaining guests, had already said his goodbyes and moved toward the door.

Just as he reached it, he turned to smile at her, his eyes glassy with unshed tears that mirrored her own. She felt another rogue tear slide down her cheek as she smiled back and gave a slight nod in response. The councilor followed him out and Shepard found herself alone in the apartment. She turned toward the window and breathed a sigh of relief that turned into a cry as the emotions that she had held back throughout the service began to bubble up in her throat, forcing themselves to be released as new tears fell from her eyes. She finally stopped fighting it and let out a strangled sob.

Just then she heard a sound somewhere behind her and realized she wasn’t actually alone. She figured that Koylat must have slipped back in without her noticing. Immediately embarrassed for her outburst, she looked down at the floor, trying to casually wipe at the moisture around her eyes. She swallowed down her feelings again before attempting to find her voice and greet the straggler.

“Sorry. I didn’t see you there. I thought you had slipped out already. But it’s fine, especially considering- well…” she trailed off, unsure of herself and feeling embarrassed at the way the uncertainty was coming through in her voice. She cleared her throat in an effort to banish the wavery quality. “Just stay as long as you like.”

She heard no reply save for the soft echo of his footfalls across the floor. Still unable to reign in her composure, she stalled for a bit longer and tried to coach her voice into it’s ‘commander’ register to show strength that she didn’t honestly feel she had at the moment. “Is there something else that you need? I know this might be the rare time that the mighty ‘Commander Shepard’ just can’t fix everything… but if there’s anything I could do, you know as plain old Jane Shepard, just ask. Honestly, I could use a distraction right now.”

Her attention had once again fallen to the framed picture on the piano and she reached out a hand to gently trace the image within as she heard the footsteps stop directly behind her. Finally he spoke.

“Actually, that’s why I’m here. But I was going to ask what I could do for you. Regardless, I’m happy to be a distraction of sorts.”

Shepard was immediately surprised as she heard the voice of the room’s other occupant and spun around to greet him.

“Garrus?! What are- “ She trailed off, a bit confused, but she couldn’t deny the immediate sense of relief that his presence inspired in her. A trace of a smile passed across her face at the thought, but she caught herself and redirected it. There was need to indulge herself and dredge up painful thoughts about what could have been between the two of them. Not now, not ever. But she knew she had to respond somehow.

“Sorry, I thought you were Koylat. I didn’t realize you were still here.” Her response sounded a little lame to her ears, but if Garrus noticed, he gave no indication and made no remark.

“It’s fine. I snuck back into the kitchen earlier to stay out of the way until everyone else had left. I just wanted to make sure you were alright, maybe keep you company for a while. And if all of that failed, I did also bring beer.”

He handed her the levo beer that she hadn’t noticed he’d been holding in his left hand as he raised his own dextro beer and took a swig with his right.

She gave him a genuine smile that, he was pleased to note, reached all the way to her eyes. “Thanks, Garrus.” Somehow by the tone in her voice and the look in her eyes, he knew she meant to thank him not just for the beer, but for thinking of her, checking up on her. He was all to happy to have helped her, for once, instead of the other way around.

After she accepted the beverage and took a generous swig, Shepard found her gaze drifting toward the floor. She was trying to shrug off the embarrassment she felt at her earlier emotional outburst, but if anyone had to witness her like this, she was glad that it was her dearest and most supportive friend. She supposed that he had expected to see as much and that it was probably well within the bounds of acceptable behavior given the circumstances. Still, showing her emotions so plainly was not something Shepard was very accustomed to doing, so it took her a minute to convince herself to continue.

She turned to face the window again, looking out at the cars racing by outside. A fairly long but not uncomfortable silence descended over them. Shepard chewed her lip a little as she battled with her emotions and tried to find the right words to say to explain the torrential thoughts and emotions she was experiencing. Garrus, as wonderful as ever, took his place directly beside her and waited patiently for her to begin, only moving to drink his beer. He wanted to let her take her time and divulge as much or as little as she chose, but he knew that she may need a little prodding to begin. He looked hard at a passing car as he offered her the only, but no less sincere, sentiment he could.

"I haven't had the chance to say it yet, but I'm truly sorry, Shepard. Thane was a great man. I can't imagine what you must be feeling, and I am sorry I don't have more to offer, but I'm here however you need me." Unsure of what else to do, he took a swig to stall, hoping she'd take the lead. After she wiped another tear away, she took a big drink which was followed by a long sigh, and she broke the silence.

“Thanks." A beat passed as she rubbed her temple to calm the dull pounding that came when she was struggling to condense her thoughts into coherent speech.

"It’s strange, ya' know? I hadn’t felt it yet. Not really. I hadn’t even cried about it. Not until today. Guess I ... didn’t have the time.” She took another drink to play up her nonchalance, but it was really just to bolster her nerve.

 Garrus took the opportunity to try to head off at the pass what he expected would be some classic Shepard self-flagellation. “Well, you have had a bit of a full agenda lately. Saving the galaxy and all. I don’t think anyone could blame you for that. Especially not Thane.”

Reluctant to give herself the benefit of the doubt, she only sighed in response as her mouth turned down into a frown. "Maybe not. I have been busy. And tired. And ... scared to just let myself feel it. As if that would finally make it real, and something I had to actually deal with." She frowned and shut her eyes tight against the chaotic emotions roiling in her heart.

"I mean, I knew it would happen eventually, due to his Kepral's if nothing else, but not- not like this. I thought I'd have a little more time to- well I don't know. But at the the very least I thought I could beat him to it with the Reapers coming after me every time I turn around. So I just... I don't know, I guess I was trying to keep myself distracted as long as I could. But then there wasn’t any time left to waste, so - here we are."

She was staring out the window again, expression inscrutable. Just as Garrus was about to try to say something, she spoke again.

"But I’m preaching to the choir here, though, aren’t I? As a turian you probably know a thing or two about that whole grief denial thing.”

She spoke very quietly and her tone was slightly distorted by an uncharacteristic roughness. Though human voices had no subharmonics, Garrus had learned that there were subtler but still existent emotional clues in human speech if you knew what to listen for. Her current tone was full of the raw emotion and anguish that she was careful not to show on her expression. But as she looked at him out of the corner of her eye, he thought he saw her mask begin to falter.

He would have given her an encouraging smile, if not for the somber tone of their conversation or the fact that she was right and he absolutely did know a thing or two (or twelve) about distracting himself from dealing with grief. Instead, he gave a slight nod. “Mmmhm, I suppose I do,” he said softly, then inclined his head toward her ever so slightly, as if encouraging her to continue.

After she took another drink, she did, though with more hesitation in her voice than before.

“So, anyway I guess I just kept pushing it down, focusing on the next battle, the next staggering loss. The calculus, as you so eloquently put it. That kept me numb for a while. But he’s been gone for what, almost 2 months now, and I still haven’t had time to mourn him. Or I haven't made time. I’m not sure which is worse. And let’s face it, it’s not as though my efforts to distract myself have truly improved anything out there. But I don't have to tell you that things aren’t looking good...”

She trailed off, not able to finish the thought. Garrus didn't need her to anyway, but he also didn't want her to. As she spoke this time, Garrus thought he heard a hollowness to her tone that, had she not been Shepard, he may have called hopelessness. He may have even noticed her eyes looking glassy again, if he’d been looking for that sort of thing (he wasn’t, or rather knew that he shouldn’t be, so he let it go). Shepard covered it by taking another long sip from her drink.

Garrus, like the friend he was, stepped in to help with the cover also. But he sure didn’t miss the implication that this invitation into her true feelings and thoughts held. If he weren’t so relieved to finally be let in a little, he might have even been honored. He knew that this was bound to happen eventually- a person could only take so much before something had to give- and he was more relieved than he’d ever been about anything that he was the one here now to help her. He also sensed that though Thane’s death was clearly affecting her, it was only the most recent stressor in a very long line of things that had finally caught up with her and pushed her to the breaking point. Garrus was afraid he was in a little over his head in the 'being reassuring and caring department,' so he decided that he would try to help her out the only way he knew how.

“Shepard,” he purred in the simultaneously teasing and reassuring voice that he only ever seemed to use with her, “You can’t really believe that. The great Commander Shepard, Savior of the Galaxy has to believe that she is going to defeat the Reapers, if for no other reason than they’ve pissed you off too many times. Spirits, I’d hate to see what would happen after invoking your legendary rage on such a monumental scale.”

He snuck a glance at her out of the corner of his eyes to see if his joking had cracked her yet. She was biting her lip and looked less defeated than she had a moment ago, but he knew he could do better. He wanted to see a genuine smile.

“Except, I don’t think I’d hate it at all. In fact, I’d absolutely love to see them get what they deserve, and to witness it firsthand. I’m counting on it, actually. They’ll be cursing the day that they first thought they could defeat you.”

Garrus watched as an unexpected tear slid down her cheek as a shadow passed quickly across her face, but she instantly moved to wipe the incriminating drop away while simultaneously schooling her expression towards something more neutral. And because he was still watching, he didn’t miss the slight smirk that followed.

“You’re too kind, Vakarian. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were trying to butter me up for something.”

He raised a brow plate at her. “‘Butter' you up? I’ve gotten pretty good at deciphering human phrases, but I just can’t understand why you’d think that I was talking to you in a way that would help prepare me to … eat you.” His mandibles flattened against his face to illustrate his mock disgust at her suggestion, but it only served to crack the small smirk on her face into a full fledged grin. _Scratch one_ , he thought with a surge satisfaction and pride.

“You damn obnoxious and literal turian,” she replied while shaking her head at him in mock reproach. She playfully punched at his arm, purposefully avoiding his beer. He chuckled at her but then tried to look offended.

Unconvinced, she smiled in response, and raised her beer. When he didn’t immediately follow her lead, she looked at him expectantly with eyebrows raised. Once he had raised his glass to hers, she spoke a toast. This time she used her full voice, her Commander voice, one threaded with determination and steel, and much to his delight, just a touch of hope.

“To defeating the Reapers.”

He grinned wider as he repeated the sentiment. Then he raised his eyes and gave her his trademark smirk. “And to looking damn stylish as we do.” Together they laughed in earnest and simultaneously threw their heads back to drain the remainder of their drinks.

And just like that, they were back to business as usual. Garrus followed her lead and resumed his role in their usual banter and (he was relieved to note) considerably lighter conversation topics as they both made their way back to the kitchen. Though she never explicitly said that he could stay for dinner, or that he should, it was obvious when she pulled up her omnitool and began searching for restaurants that could deliver both levo and dextro cuisine of a decent caliber that she wanted him to stay. He decided that was fine by him as there was nowhere else that he would rather be.


	2. Chapter 2

Later, as take-out containers and empty bottles littered the coffee table on which their feet also rested, they lounged on the couch watching, much to Garrus’s chagrin, Fleet and Flotilla. When he had said that Shepard could pick the vid, he never really expected her to pick the sappy musical romance that Tali had been so obsessed with. However, as he sat there with his arm loosely around the couch behind Shepard, he realized that the vid was actually pretty good, and his company was even better. 

He looked down out of the corner of his eye at Shepard whose attention was rapt on the screen. He chuckled internally about that before moving his focus back to the screen and settling a little further into the couch. He felt Shepard shift next to him and suddenly he felt the warmth of her body all along his side as she snuggled against him, leaning her head against his shoulder. 

His breath caught and he swallowed nervously as his pulse doubled. He closed his eyes and exhaled deeply, internally counting to 10 until he clamped down on his imagination and tried to return his body to a more normal state. 

It wasn’t like they hadn’t been in close proximity before, both in battle and out of it. In fact, they'd watched plenty of vids just like this. He needed to get a grip. But he supposed that those hundreds of times that they’d sat together weren’t really helpful to his case, though. 

Even since the race to take down Saren began, Garrus had felt... something for Shepard. At first, he'd thought it to be something akin to hero worship. He was amazed at all she did and vowed to try to emulate her. Soon his feelings shifted from a respectful awe toward mutual respect, and their senses of humor matched so well that they quickly became the thickest of thieves. But by the time he'd realized he felt something deeper, more special for her, she'd been gone. And he'd never forgotten the weight of the awful regret that had settled in his soul when he'd heard the news. So when she showed up like an angel straight out of his dreams to save him on Omega, he'd vowed to take the second chance he'd been granted and tell her what he felt.

But something or someone, or sometimes just his own fear had always been in the way or holding him back. He'd just never felt like he could actually say something. He still didn’t really feel like he should, even if he could now, but a part of his brain refused to let him forget that no one else was adding to the equation anymore. 

Right, because that certain someone is now dead. So, he thought ashamedly, it's probably not the best time to confess your undying love for her. She’s still in mourning, for Spirits’ sake. 

Besides, he was here for Shepard as a friend, and he was all too thankful for the opening that had presented itself for him to actually be the friend that she needed. And he knew better than to tempt fate- he would be whatever she needed him to be, but it would be on her terms, no matter what his feelings were (and no matter how much it might hurt). So that settled that.

However, it still didn’t help that he was stuck between relishing the current moment and the electricity that contact with her body induced in him while also feeling uncomfortable with his predicament. He grew tenser as the vid progressed while Shepard continued to relax and settle further against him. By the time the vid had ended, her arm had settled on his chest and one of her legs was curled over his at the knee. 

In an automatic and nearly uncontrollable response, he had turned his head to rest against the top of hers, and the arm that had been draped around the couch he brought down to rest around the middle of her back to pull her to him. He had been so preoccupied with her scent and her warmth and keeping his own body’s response to such stimuli in check that he had completely stopped paying attention to the vid. Oh well. Priorities.

As the credits started rolling he shifted as if get up, but at his movement, Shepard groaned and reached for him. “Don’t go,” she said, her voice joking. But when he looked in her eyes, he saw something more than a joke- something a lot like truth in them. Scared that he might ruin whatever had just happened, he decided to play it as cool as he could until he could get his bearings. 

“Well, I’ll be right back. I was just going to get another drink. Want anything?” he said as he slowly stood up. He grinned at her once he had stood fully and started towards the kitchen. She was silent for moment as though contemplating her answer very carefully before she spoke. He was just closing the fridge, beer in hand, when he heard her muttering under her breath. 

“Boy, do I,” she said in a very low but frustrated sigh as she leaned against the back of the couch, her gaze on the ceiling. He knew that sometimes she forgot how much better his hearing was than hers, being an apex predator and all, so hesitated for a moment to decide whether or not she had intended for him to hear that remark. But about 7 seconds later when he heard her normal, strong voice call out clearly “Yeah, make mine a scotch, please. Neat,” he decided that she hadn’t. 

Hmm. Interesting. His detective brain filed the whispered response away in a folder he had long ago labeled as “Interesting and possibly meaningful cryptic things Shepard says/said”. It was getting rather full, that folder. He’d have to do some careful cataloguing soon to see if he had any new insights about things she had told him in the past. 

Sometimes when he waited long enough, a group of phrases all started to fit together like a puzzle, and he gained new and deeper insight into the fascinating inner-workings of the mind of the great Commander. Other times, he came away with a better understanding of Shepard the woman. And rarer still were the occasional insights about his friend, Jane Shepard. Something about the most recent phrase struck him as different and somehow significant, but in a way that nothing else she had ever said to him was. Hmm. He’d have to remember to ponder that out later. 

For now, he was startled out of his thoughts by a playfully annoyed grunt from the direction of the couch. “Hey, Vakarian! Did you have a stroke or something? More importantly, did you get my scotch?” Her voice was overly loud and he could hear the mock exasperation in her tone. 

He chuckled. “Sorry, I was just taking a moment to admire your liquor cabinet,” he said as he got to work pouring her drink. “Looks like the Alliance sure knows how to keep its people devoted to the cause. There’s not nearly enough dextro friendly stuff in here, though. We’ll have to change that.” 

She laughed and turned to look at him as he walked out of the kitchen. “Wow, must be tough, being that full of yourself. Expecting the whole world to adjust to you, just because you’re the Archangel. Oh, and think of the eventual disappointment because no one gives a damn about the renegade turian anymore ‘cause everybody’s too worried about keeping the Commander Shepard, Savior of the Galaxy happy. Poor Garrus.” She couldn’t help smirking at him as she spoke.

He gave a mock frown and handed her the glass of amber liquid once he’d reached the couch. She smirked and lifted the glass to take a sip. And then he said something that really surprised her.

“Well, if the Commander Shepard gives a damn about me, I suppose it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks or says. I’ve got the only opinion that matters.” He couldn’t help himself as he winked at her and took a long draw from his beer while she nearly choked on the sip of scotch she’d taken. 

She recovered quickly, though, coughing a few times to clear her windpipe then quirking a brow at him as he took his place back on the couch. As he settled in, he noticed that she seemed to be contemplating something- she was biting the inside of her lip, the classic Shepard face of calculation. In short order, she appeared to reach her decision; then she took a determined breath, set her jaw, and turned to sit sideways on the couch, folding her legs beneath her. Now she was facing his profile as she raised her eyebrows and asked in a carefully neutral voice, "Oh, you think that I care about you?" 

"I know you do," he drawled. He caught her eyes with a powerful and piercing stare. "Or am I wrong? Can you honestly tell me that you don't?" He asked with a cockiness that she found immediately adorable and charming, and she wondered briefly how he managed that. 

"Well just for a minute, let's give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you aren't astronomically wrong in that assumption. So given this fantasy, mine is the only opinion that matters?" 

Though they were still bantering in a way that was not uncharacteristic for them, Garrus couldn't help but notice the warring contradiction between her voice and her eyes. Though she again tried a light, joking tone, her shining emerald eyes were searching his face with a barely concealed honesty that made his stomach flutter. He was aware that something in the way she looked at him, something in the air seemed to hint that they were on the edge of a monumental shift, like the way that the atmosphere telegraphs a coming change in the weather. 

In that moment, profound understanding blossomed in his mind as if it had been handed to him at the precisely perfect moment by some higher power. Immediately he understood the feeling in the room- potential. 

It was potentially possible that Shepard might feel something for him beyond friendship. And if he said and did everything perfectly in this moment, he could potentially get the most important thing to him in the entire galaxy, the thing that he had only ever dreamed of; conversely, he knew he could also ruin any chance he would ever have at getting what he really wanted, once and for all. He thought fleetingly of the “...cryptic things Shepard says/said” folder and its newest addition, and he made a snap decision to let his instinct be guided by his divine awakening. 

Following her lead, he turned to mirror her position on the couch (though he had to leave one leg hanging off of the edge instead of folding both beneath him) and faced her head on. With his right arm along the back of the couch, next to her left shoulder, he leaned into her personal space, and he spoke in a very low and purring voice that he hoped would make her shiver while convincing her that what he said was true.

“Shepard, as far as I’m concerned, you’re the only thing that has ever mattered. Will ever matter. Your opinions. Your thoughts. Your everything. Just you.”

She stared at him with an unreadable expression as her breath caught in her throat. Then she blinked, exhaled raggedly and looked directly into his eyes. He met them and held them in a piercing but simultaneously scorching stare, and she felt all of the air leave the room. 

It couldn’t be possible, could it? She couldn’t believe he’d just said that. Her brain wouldn’t let her process what had just happened. There was no way. There just couldn’t be. Weren’t they “just friends”? Good friends, best friends, even, but never more... right? But even if there was a way, or even half a chance at a possibility that he meant what he said the way she thought (and secretly hoped) that he did, there was absolutely no way that she could let herself consider it … could she? Suddenly she wasn’t so sure of the answer to that question, and she decided she just had to know.

“Just me?” she whispered.

“Just you,” he whispered back. 

Her pulse stuttered at his response, but she steeled her resolve and leaned into his personal space, reaching out a hand to caress his mandible. He didn’t drop her gaze as he raised his own hand to cover hers, gently turning it so her palm was facing up, and then he nuzzled her wrist. She felt his breath on her forearm and shuddered. He gave a small smile then lightly touched his tongue over her steadily thrumming pulse, and a rush of heat washed through her veins. Time stopped for a moment, then returned a second later, rushing back like air into a vacuum, and making her heart beat in triple time. But it all somehow felt right, like a circuit had been closed which before had been open and useless. 

Oh, she thought, baffled. Oh. Realization dawned in her mind, brilliant and sharp like a flash of lighting, and it took her breath away. And just as she began to understand, she felt relief- pure, warm, and reassuring, and more intense than any she had ever felt at the end of any battle or negotiation. It could be possible that he had said those things and meant them. Her heart nearly leapt out of her chest at the thought, and for the first time she allowed herself to ask "What if?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *10/18/16- Updated a few paragraphs in chapter 3 for consistency and clarity. Might want to re-read before reading chapter 4.

It wasn’t as if Shepard had never been in love. She’d experienced first love as a teenager, like so many do, with a delightful and lanky boy she’d met in the private school her foster family sent her to after Mindoir. Theirs had been a sweet and joyous affair that had kept her heart from icing over and her optimism from vanishing completely during the one of the most difficult times in her life. It had broken both of their hearts when graduation day came. He’d been headed to school to become a doctor, a plan he’d dreamt of for years. She wouldn’t let herself stand in his way, and by then she’d decided she was going to enlist, so she supposed they were bound to break up eventually anyway. It still hurt like hell, though. She had tried to stay in contact with him for a while, but he slipped away with the distance and time that grew between them.

There was only one guy that she really, truly cared about in her years in the Alliance, though there were plenty with whom she was involved. Yet most of those relationships always seemed like they had been more trouble than they were worth in hindsight. But making the mistake of almost falling for her second in command not long before losing him along with the rest of her unit on Akuze had taught her a very important lesson- one that she had nearly forgotten on Mindoir. And boy, did it pack a punch when it hit. She realized that her pattern of losing those close to her was not an aberration- it was the rule. One she would need to start following. She sure as hell wasn’t destined to have a lasting relationship with someone, let alone the fairytale romance she had grown up (secretly) desiring. So she made herself stop hoping.

She finally understood that something as seemingly wonderful as loving someone was in actuality a liability, a weakness, a burden. And not just for herself, but for the other person too. Being in love made a person feel invincible, but it couldn’t save her from impending death via slavers, bullets, thresher maws, or whatever new horror the universe was saving up for her at the next turn. And it certainly couldn’t save whoever she might leave behind when worst came to worst. She kicked herself for forgetting that very important lesson which life had tried to teach her early on. Apparently she was too thick-headed to learn it the first time. So after being left behind one too many times (when the first time was more than enough warning if she wouldn’t have gotten her fucking hopes up against all logical thought), Shepard decided that the rules about fraternization were there for a reason. And a very good one at that. It was better not to get too close to anyone so that no one ended up too hurt when the inevitable happened to one or the other party.

With grief weighing her down and threatening her anomalous optimism for the first time since she saw her colony burn, she decided that she wouldn’t, she _couldn’t _,__ allow herself to engage in such relationships ever again. Love was a dangerous business- especially so for someone in her line of work. She would go about her life and save the galaxy, but she would never allow herself to become a liability to someone else. And she sure as hell wouldn't let anyone close enough to make her that vulnerable. Never again.

But her life had taken a turn for the dramatic about that time, and she’d found herself the first human Spectre and was placed in charge of the Normandy. With tensions and adrenaline running high in the whirlwind sprint to take down Saren, she had maybe, accidentally let her guard down a little while getting to know Liara. She still wasn’t sure how Liara had fallen so hard for her when they had known so little about one another. Shepard was and always would be embarrassed to admit that their relationship had been asymmetrical from the beginning. She cared for Liara and considered her a close friend, but she had possibily been a little careless with the young Asari’s affections. Shepard still felt guilty that Liara had expected a more permanent commitment than she had been able to provide. She thought that the two had basically patched things up, and Liara had gone on with her life, but Shepard was always a bit wary around her from then on- always careful to make her expression and words as neutral as possible. It was only fair after what had happened. But her history with Liara had also been an important learning experience, Shepard realized later. Though she had never been prone to bigotry and had always been a pro-alien advocate, it wasn’t until Liara that Shepard truly considered that she could get involved with someone that wasn’t human. And once she’d had that realization, things had started to get interesting for her. Very interesting, indeed.

If she was forcing herself to be honest, and in this moment she decided she must ( _finally_ ), she had always felt something for Garrus. At first it had been bemusement and a mentor-esque concern. Then it had shifted to friendship, the likes of which Shepard had never experienced before. By the time that she had been resurrected by Cerberus and found herself praying to any and all of the gods she could think of that he wouldn’t bleed out on the floor of his hideout on Omega, she realized it had to be something much, much more. But it felt so different, so much more raw and special than anything else that she had ever experienced that she shied away from it. Hard. The intensity of the feeling and the possible consequences of such an affinity had terrified her more than the looming threat of the Reapers.

So, she made excuses for herself, saying that there was no way that Garrus could have felt the same way- he was always friendly with her but she was never sure that it was anything more than that. Sure, their banter bordered on flirtatious to a level she never really reached with anyone else, but she had never been able to let herself believe that there was anything behind it on his end.

It was in a moment of weakness on the fateful day she had gone down to the battery to test that assumption, and he hadn't exactly proved her wrong. He had been all over the place as she attempted to flirt with him- flirting back and setting her blood aflame one minute, then stuttering and awkwardly second-guessing himself the next- as though he was only comfortable flirting with her for the joke and not when she actually tried to show some interest.

And even if she _had_ believed he might be interested, she had taken some time think and remember her rules and forced herself to remember that Garrus was her best friend before he was anything else. _There's no Shepard without Vakarian._ It had become her mantra, the thing she repeated tirelessly in her head to keep herself above water. If she lost his friendship forever in order to temporarily have him romantically, she’d never be able to forgive herself, let alone do what everyone expected her to do. Saving the world was hard work, and she needed someone she trusted implicitly by her side. What she and Garrus had was so easy and necessary for her survival that she had decided never to think anything more about that sort of a relationship with him- for the sake of her sanity and the safety of the galaxy.

And right about the time that she swore that to herself, life decided to throw her yet another curve ball anyway. Because then the whole Sidonis debacle happened, and Shepard was so terrified, so despairing at the thought that she had lost Garrus completely that the romantic option had not only been taken off of the table, but forgotten entirely. He was the one thing she was not and would never be willing to lose, so she buried her feelings for him deep, deep down and thanked her lucky stars for the fact that he forgave her enough to be her friend again. The night they patched things up after he finally returned to the ship she went back to her cabin alone, got good and drunk, cried herself out, and made herself promise that in the morning she wouldn't give it another thought. And for a while she didn't. 

And just as it happened, it was around that time that she started talking more in depth with Thane- the charming, handsome, magnetic, and mysterious assassin that both baffled and enticed her. Though Shepard was never one to consider herself a saint or total paragon, she struggled for a great while trying to reconcile the man he revealed himself to have been with man that she came to so regularly engage in conversation. He  challenged her- physically, mentally, spiritually, and morally- but through it all she came away understanding that they were more alike than they were different. She found herself being drawn to him more and more, and one day she found herself falling into dangerous territory. The sounds of warning bells she had set for herself years before where telling her to run from him as fast as she could. Maybe it was the fact that the words "suicide mission"  tended to mean a departure from the typical rule book, but she let herself seriously consider if she was going to allow herself to continue interacting with Thane instead of breaking things off.

She finally admitted to herself that she cared about him, and the revelation of his illness had actually been a strange relief to her. As deranged as it seemed, somehow it made it easier to allow herself to love someone who most certainly wasn’t going to be around forever. Her life was risky, but so was his, though for slightly different reasons. For the first time, she had found someone who was just as much a liability to her as she was to him. And she felt an equality and balance in their relationship that she feared she would never find again. So she convinced herself to try. 

She decided that she would let down her walls for him and try to be happy, if only for a little while. If the Omega 4 didn’t kill them, the Collectors probably would. And even if they survived the crazy mission, she figured that he still had to deal with his Kepral’s, and there were always the Reapers looming in the wings for her. Though she knew it to be a very dark view of the world, she thought it only fitting after the experiences she’d had and the losses she had suffered. Much could and had been said throughout the galaxy about the ability of humans to adapt to and survive in horrendous situations, and Shepard was nothing if not a shining example of a survivor. And by keeping her expectations relatively low, she kept herself from being too hopeful. She knew that Thane deserved more, but she hoped he could be forgiving of her shortcomings. And she hoped she might be able to offer him a modicum of peace before the worst occurred. He seemed agreeable enough to the idea, so she decided to give in and let herself care for him.

After that it wasn’t long until she fell in love with him. It had been quite a fast and passionate affair, the two of them like twin flames joining together- dancing, growing, spreading in concert. They fed each other in a brilliant but all-consuming blaze that, when exhausted, left her aimless as much as burned, directionless in the absence of his dazzling light. Anguished. Unbalanced. A part of a whole. She had loved Thane desperately. She did not regret that and never would, but his death was making it nigh impossible to convince herself that she had been been right to allow herself to care for him...

But, she reminded herself, that was done, and in the here and now, she was sitting with Garrus and feeling things she'd never felt in all her years and relationships remembered feeling- the sense of calm and home and centeredness that she felt now, rooted to her spot on the couch with her eyes locked on Garrus’s and her hand in his. Shepard released a giant breath that she hadn’t realized that she’d been holding. She caught herself thinking she may have always been holding it somehow, as if waiting for this moment her whole life, and she marveled at the thought. How strange it was to realize that there was a part of her that she hadn’t even known she was missing, but that had apparently been right in front of her all the while. What luck to have finally found it, finally found the one person in the galaxy who could make her laugh and smile and feel truly at peace, despite everything else that was going on. How fortunate.

But what was unfortunate was the way that in the several seconds that it had taken her to think through and feel all of those things, she still hadn’t been able to form a reasonable response to the sensation of burning electricity that sparked through her where his hand held hers, his breath and tongue tickled her skin, and his piercing stare cut to her core. As she crashed back into her body and the present moment from the weightless euphoria she had been experiencing as her mind had spun out of control, a torrent of feelings, questions, worries, and fears overwhelmed and frightened her- to the point that she found herself sharply pulling away from Garrus with a look of terror showing plainly on her face.

Confusion clouded his expression, with disappointment, then hurt following close behind and fighting for dominance until concern won out. He tried to find her eyes while she stared at the floor with a look as anguished as he had ever seen her wear.

“Shepard? Wh… But … I...” he trailed off, afraid to finish any of those thoughts to their conclusions. A sudden and crushing fear overwhelmed him. Damn. He had miscalculated. Blown it after all. Some sniper he was. He hoped with all of his being that he could somehow recover, before he lost her completely. Or, Spirits forbid, _forever_. But in order to do so, he needed to get his thoughts into a coherent enough pattern to muster an apology. Then he needed to leave and fast.

Trembling slightly from his sudden and rising panic, Garrus swallowed hard to get control of his oral functions. Then he spoke softly and with the most crestfallen expression Shepard had ever seen. She even thought she heard and understood his sub-harmonics for once, with the amount of grief he must have been putting into them.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have- I don’t know what came over me. I’ll show myself out.”

Garrus was up and hurrying toward the door before Shepard could process any of what just happened, but just as he reached the door, she snapped into action. He turned and saw her hurrying after him, a stricken look on her face.

“No, please!” She was reaching for him, a desperate and terrified look on her face. And were his eyes playing tricks on him, or did he notice glassy eyes and a tear sliding down her cheek?

At the sight of her tears, his better judgment abandoned him, and he turned to her and carefully wiped her cheeks dry. Then he caught himself and looked down at the floor, hoping that she would speak first and explain what was going on because he was thoroughly confused. After what felt to him to be several full day cycles (but was likely only several moments) of silence she acquiesced.

“I’m sorry about that. I didn’t mean to hurt you or worry you. And you don’t need to apologize for anything. Nothing’s wrong. I just - you caught me off guard. That’s all. I had no idea you … I mean, I wasn’t expecting that… but it was nice. Really nice.”

She was rambling and she knew it but she couldn’t stop. She was terrified she was making everything worse.

Garrus reluctantly looked up to sneak a glance at her face and noticed a blush had creeped its way up her cheeks. He raised his head and met her uneasy gaze as she chewed her lip and fought to find words. He remained silent and tried to calm his racing thoughts enough to comprehend what she was saying.

“It’s just I didn’t think yo-” she started and stopped. She took a deep breath. She tried again.

“I mean, we just had the memorial today, and I…” It still wasn’t getting better, but she kept trying.

“... it’s... there’s just a lot that I- ... and I …I just needed a minute. To process, ya know?” That felt like a complete thought. Almost. It gave her some confidence. She pressed on.

“And you should know better than anyone how emotionally stunted I am.” She tried for a joke this time. It fell flat considering that he still looked as though she’d run over his pet varren. She couldn’t stand it. She tried one last time.

“But I’m fine now, really. Promise.” She smiled weakly to try to get a similar reaction from him.

Garrus’s mandibles flattened against his face in embarrassment. “Shepard, I’m sorry. You’re right- I don’t know what I was thinking. It was bad timing. Terrible, actually. The very epitome of awful. I shouldn’t have pushed. I don’t want to make things harder for you. I hope you know that was never my intent.”

She was so relieved he responded, she almost forgot to respond herself, but her mind seemed to be able to form a coherent thought more easily now.

“I know, big guy. You’re okay. But now that I’ve had a minute, care to join me on the couch? I think that, uncomfortable as it may be at first, we may need to, uh, talk about … whatever just happened.” She brought up her hands with her index fingers pointing up and made a made a gesture between the two of them as she spoke.

Garrus couldn’t help the small sigh that came out as she did. He nodded in assent with a look equal parts blank and guarded. Turian faces were funny that way.

“You’re probably right. But I can’t help thinking that I would rather face a krogan firing squad unarmed and naked than have to sit through whatever you’re about to say, no matter how gently you’ll try to let me down.” He had a partial smirk and his voice was trying for a laughing tone, however half-heartedly in order to give himself a safe exit with the cover of a joke, but Shepard wasn’t buying it. She saw his hesitance for what it was, and she wanted to convnce him it was not necessary.

She smirked a bit as she rocked back on her heels to buy a moment to think. She had almost forgotten that the other reason that she declined to pursue something with him on the SR-2 was due to how self-deprecating he could be. She knew the tactic well as she had been using it herself for years prior. But that also meant that she had been familiar with the kind of insecurities that it was meant to cover, and back then she’d had no desire to upset either of their carefully crafted facades.

She was still tempted not to do so now, either. She feared what would happen if she let him stay, tried to let him in only to have things go pear-shaped between them later, but in spite of the fragility of the moment between them, she was keenly aware of the hope she suddenly felt blooming in her heart. That was new. And it was whispering dangerously tantalizing possibilities that would only come to fruition if she were able to keep her fear from controlling her in the current moment.

Well, she reasoned, if she were going to take such a risk, who better to take it with? _No Shepard without Vakarian._  The only thing she knew to be absolutely true anymore.

Shepard looked directly in his eyes, smiled shyly, and decided to go against years of her own conditioning. She held out her hand and hoped she would not regret what she said next.

“Garrus, please stay. I’m not saying that I’m ready right now, this minute, or that it won’t still be a little bit hard for me for a while, because it probably will. But, I want to try to-- I want to be with you. Always have, really. And if that display on the couch was anything to go by, it seems like you might want to try too. I think it’s time to stop pretending, what with the world ending and all. What do you say big guy? Fancy a ‘cross-species liaison’?”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm trying something different this chapter in the form of storytelling via flashback. Hopefully that works. Let me know your thoughts about it. Also, I thought it was obvious that this story is a bit AU and canon divergent, but if it that wasn't clear to you before, here's your warning. I took some liberties and played with the dialogue some in that infamous battery scene, but hopefully it works in this context. I'm curious to know your opinions on it and what people think about how it fits in with their canon voices. And I'm hoping that the next chapter won't be such a long wait. I have a lot of notes and a rough outline already, but I just have to fine tune it. So hopefully, the next chapter will be ready much sooner! And any feedback is appreciated! Thanks for reading!

The remark caught him off guard. He thought for the briefest of moments that she might be attempting a joke to ease his concern. But then a flash of memory sent his head spinning to a past conversation he hadn't know how to handle...

  
\---  _Over a year ago, on the Normandy SR-2, during the mission to defeat the Collectors she had come to see him after her rounds, just like normal, but what was not normal was the turn their conversation had taken that day_ \---  


He hadn't intentionally been flirting when he mentioned the recon scout, but it was possible he had been looking for an excuse to try flirting more openly with her. Just to see how it went. And Shepard was never one to miss an opening.

“Hmmm. I'm feeling rather tense myself. Maybe… we could ease tension together.” She had walked right into the trap he set for her, but he immediately started second-guessing himself as he began to consider the possibility of sparring with her without giving himself away. It only took about 5 seconds before he shook himself back into reality. It didn't seem possible- being that close to her, both of them unarmored, body heat up, exerting themselves and attempting to pin one another. His mind went to dangerous places at the thought. He'd have to decline to save himself the embarrassment. Damn.

“Didn't figure you'd be up to sparring- what with my sharp points and hard edges. But I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I hurt you, even if by accident in a friendly match. Maybe I'll ask Krios, if it gets bad enough. I appreciate the offer, though.”

“If you want to spar, sure, ask Krios. I’m sure he'd be happy to help. But I had other plans, actually- plans involving ‘reach and flexibility'." She attempted a devious smirk, but he caught the way her voice had faltered and her lip trembled as she struggled not to laugh at herself for mentioning it.

His heart started hammering in his chest and he stared at her. He felt hope for one brief moment before his detective instincts replayed and dissected her response. The laugh was… not a good sign. In a way, he was grateful for it, though. His traitorous heart had tempted him into believing her for a moment, but surely not. Surely… if she was nearly laughing, she was playing with him. And, though very disappointed, he was not eager to make a fool of himself by professing his love for her when she was trying to tease him. But he was not one to be outdone. He'd make her work for her joke and make her blush at least, to get back at her for the momentary hope he’d had that she could be interested. 

He stepped up his game and laid it on thick, using rumbling subharmonics that he'd heard were ‘sexy’ to humans. He leaned on the console, crossing his arms nonchalantly, and stared directly into her eyes as he spoke. “I'm flattered, but I'm not sure you could handle me, Shepard.”

She snorted at that, rolling her eyes. “Please, Garrus. You seem to forget that I am an N7 marine and the first human spectre. And they don't call me the Hero of the Citadel for nothing. I'm sure I could handle you just fine.” She stuck out her chin and crossed her arms over her chest in challenge.

He fluidly pushed off of the console and took two short strides to stand directly in front of her. In the heat of the moment and in order to really sell his part, he brought a hand up and gently ghosted it against her cheek as he pushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear. He thrilled at her sharp intake of breath and leaned into her personal space. Then he went in for the kill. “And while _I_ may not have the same impressive resume, they don't call me Archangel for nothing. I'd be happy to help you out if you think you're truly up to the task.” The low purr in voice was bordering on obscene, but he was nothing if not committed. “But remember that I'm not known for showing mercy.”

He’d be lying if he said he wasn't insanely proud of himself as he saw her cheeks flame and her vitals spike in his visor readout. But the victory was short-lived as he was utterly unprepared for what came out of her mouth next. 

“Do your worst, Vakarian. Just name the time and place.” She had straightened to her full height, hands by her sides, and was staring intently into his eyes with a heated look he couldn't allow himself to believe.

He stood dumbfounded, mouth gaping in shock as he processed her words. The last thing he had expected her to do was agree. He gave himself a mental shake and began working furiously in an attempt to explain what was happening, but he could only come up with two possibilities: either she was calling his bluff or she was entirely serious. As it seemed infinitely more likely, he decided to play it safe and test the first hypothesis.

“Shepard, you're not serious?” He couldn't keep the incredulity out of his tone, though he did try to keep it light and somewhat playful. Her forehead crinkled as her eyebrows drew up in a look of confusion at the sudden reversal in his demeanor. “Aren't you?”

Terror flooded his veins as he realized what a monumental error he might have made in his assessment of the situation moments ago. He had to tread very gently without giving himself away nor blowing the entire thing off as a joke- at least not if he ever wanted to have a real shot with her, which all of a sudden seemed like an admittedly slim possibility, though a possibility none the less. “I guess I was being, uh what's the phrase… cautiously optimistic. And you may have surprised me a bit by actually… agreeing.” He could only imagine how chagrined he must look, and he cast his eyes toward the floor to keep from making any more eye-contact with her.

To his surprise, she chuckled and said under her breath, “Well if that was what you call ‘cautious,’ I'm curious to know what direct looks like.” He swallowed a laugh of his own as he wasn't sure if he had been meant to hear that. She sometimes forgot how good his hearing really was.

He looked up to see her with an uncharacteristically vulnerable look on her face and he found small comfort in the fact that maybe this wasn't quite a simple conversation for her either. “Look, Garrus- everything in the last couple of months has been chaos. Everything except you. I don't know what I'd do without you, and we both deserve a little respite if we're going to be walking into hell, guns blazing. So if you're open to the idea, maybe we could try it. But no pressure, no hard feelings. You don't have to say yes, though I am offering if you want to give it a shot. What do you think?”

He could do nothing for a full 15 seconds but blink at her. His brain just couldn't make sense of the words she had said. Part of him wondered if he was having an incredibly realistic dream, but he liked to think he wouldn't be so awkward in a dream of his brain’s own devising. Her gentle call to him shook him out of his internal reverie and had him attempting to formulate a response, which he finally got out, though after a few stuttering starts and stops.

“I keep wondering when you'll stop surprising me. Maybe someday, but definitely not today.” He chuckled and attempted to call on his reserves of humor to help him navigate the rest of the conversation as he wasn't sure how he would get through it otherwise. “Huh. You know, in all our time together- on the SR-1, hanging out on the Citadel, even in the last few months- never once did I peg you as being into turians. Shows what I know.”

She winced at that and her cheeks got red again. So he wasn't the only one feeling a little out to sea in this conversation. Good.

“I wouldn't go that far. It's not all turians. Not most, if I'm being honest. But something about you is rather... enticing. And I figure if we're going on a suicide mission, I'd like to get a few ‘end of the world’ orgasms in first, just in case. Feels like the least the universe could do for me.” Her typical Shepard bravado was back to cover the awkwardness of a moment before, but he had to admit it was kind of... working for him.

His heart nearly stopped but he covered it with a rumbling laugh and pressed on. “That is perhaps the best backhanded compliment I have ever received. So thanks for that. But I am a little confused as to why you’d choose me when there are others who are clearly interested and much … closer to home.”

She looked up at him, and that vulnerable look was back in her eyes and her cheeks were even redder yet- maybe the reddest he'd ever seen. It was surprising to see her this way, but it made her look even more breathtaking than usual, which was a pretty tall order. Somehow, though, as will everything else, she managed it. Story of her life.

“I don't think that there's anything closer to home than you. You're the one who's been there for me- the one still here for me now. We're Shepard and Vakarian- partners in crime. So, why not partners in bed?”

He felt like the floor had dropped out beneath him while also taking a hit of the most potent euphoric drug. To think she might not only understand what he felt but maybe felt the same? It stole his breath and sent his world spinning off its axis. But as she stood there, biting her lip and looking at the floor, he realized how delicate the situation had become between them and decided to try to ease some of the tension that had built during the course of their conversation. He didn't want to ruin it with serious words that he would likely just fumble. So he did what he had always done best- he cracked a joke. ”That's very heartfelt and sweet, but you can be honest, Shepard. It's the scars, isn't it? You just can't resist them."

She laughed, a full-bodied chuckle, and his heart rate began to settle into a more normal range. Things between them were so easy sometimes, so comfortable. They just worked. Maybe that was part of the draw for her. It certainly was for him. And given the current conversation, it made him wonder and dare to think hopeful thoughts he hadn't ever dreamed would see the light of day. But before he let himself get carried away, he did need to clear up some logistical concerns, though he wasn't quite sure how to broach that particular topic.

“Shepard, not to pry but… do you have any experience in … uh, well -”

“Fucking turians?” She was looking at him steadily now while he alternated looking at the floor and the wall to his left and nervously fidgeting with his hands.

“Well, I was going to use the term ‘cross-species liaison’ but I suppose we can't all be as eloquent as you. But seriously- I am _definitely_ curious, even bordering on interested, but I have some doubts about the mechanics and how it would all work. You humans are so soft and squishy and I'm ... not.”

Now it was her turn to look chagrined with downcast eyes. The sight made him happier than he would dare to admit.

“...Not as such. But you know me- I never go into a firefight unprepared. I may have done a little recon on the extranet, just to be sure. There are some precautions that I recommend that we take, but with everything I read, it seems possible, if not pleasurable.”

His barking laugh in response was really more of a scoff. “That's not exactly a ringing endorsement, but I suppose we've faced worse odds before." He looked at her one more time and her hesitant but hopeful expression was all the inspiration he needed. "Well, if you're willing… why the hell not? There's no one in the galaxy I respect more than you. If you're sure, then, yeah. Let's give it a try. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?” He'd intended it jokingly as a rhetorical question, but in true Shepard fashion, she voiced the worst possible fears that were lingering in the backs of both of their minds.

“Well, I suppose things could go horribly wrong and we could end up in the medbay with anaphylactic shock symptoms or debilitating injuries? Or maybe both simultaneously?”

“I was more picturing having to deal with the awkwardness of avoiding one another in the mess hall for a couple of weeks, but that is definitely worse. Doesn't seem likely, though. Like you said, we're a great team, and I have a hard time believing that wouldn't also translate to a more… intimate setting.”

At that she looked up and smiled at him- the kind of smile that lit up her entire being, like a star going supernova- and he knew he was done for. She could ask him to do just about anything and he'd agree. This was no exception. And if they actually ended up enjoying themselves? Well, that was an added bonus.

“It's settled then. We just need to decide when and where the big event should take place. And it's no rush. Honestly, I wouldn't mind waiting a bit and doing a bit more preparing.”

“That works for me- I would like to do some research of my own, anyway.” He thought for a minute and an idea struck him. A really, really good idea, if he could pull everything off. And he should have just enough time to prepare. “Shepard, aren't we scheduled to stop at the Citadel to restock and install some last upgrades in a couple of weeks?” She nodded and he saw her eyes light in recognition. “What about then? We could even make a proper date out of the evening. I know a fantastic levo-dextro restaurant on the Presidium. It's a little swanky, but I have it on good authority that it's worth every penny. And I wouldn't mind getting to see an encore performance of that dress you wore to Donovon Hock’s party.”

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he realized that it might not have been the right thing to say and immediately backtracked. “Not that I'm telling you what to wear or insinuating that you don't normally look good. Great, even. Because you do. Spirits, there I go. To think- I managed to get this far in the conversation without making a complete fool-”

“Hey, take a breath, Big Guy. You're alright. I understand what you meant.” She stepped closer and put a reassuring hand on his chest. “I had the same thought, actually, but I might have another trick up my sleeve. I guess you'll just have to wait and see what it is.” She was now the one laying it on thick- batting her eyelashes, using a sultry, low voice, and trailing her fingers along the edge of his cowl. Though he could feel nothing through his armor, his imagination supplied a tantalizing stand-in, and Garrus had to force himself not to chase her hand as she pulled it away. He watched in a trance as she backed her way to the door.

“So, we have a deal?” He simply nodded as speaking was beyond him at the moment. “Good. Well, I'll leave you to your ‘calibrations’.” Her smirk was absolutely devilish and he loved it. He sighed in a comforting kind of resignation. He was well and truly caught but he couldn't seem to make himself mind.

“Right. ‘Cause I'm in a great place to optimize firing algorithms right now.” With a final step back, she shrugged her shoulders and winked at him. And the doors closed in front of her.

\-----------

His mind reeled as he processed the flashes of memory. Surely that had not been an accident on her part. If had she said that, chosen those specific words, it meant... it meant that she remembered too. And it meant that maybe she could forget what had happened afterward. So, maybe he still had a sliver of a chance. Maybe he hadn't blown everything after all. Maybe she really did care about him, and maybe he had another shot at whatever it was that had barely started to blossom between them before- 

Before he ruined everything. Before Sidonis and the quest for revenge. Before his decision to take all of his anger and frustration and pain out on the one person in the world who was trying to help him. Before driving her into another man's open arms. Before the biggest mistake of his life.

If she could remember back  to how things had been before, maybe he could still make it right. Maybe he could make her see how intimate his understanding with the concept of regret had become. And maybe she could accept him in spite of his mistakes. Hell, maybe there was even a spirit up there watching out for him after all. He said a silent prayer that it was true and that he wouldn't fuck up his last chance. 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... hello again. I am so sorry friends. I jinxed myself when I said I thought this chapter would be easy. I got a terrible case of writer's block, to the point that it was affecting the whole structure of the story and how it will all end. I got caught up with other projects for a while because I didn't know exactly where I was going with this one. But then Mass Effect: Andromeda came out, and I fell back into the black hole of ME fanfic and it was probably the best possible thing that could have happened for this story. I came back with fresh eyes after a few months and was finally able to resolve the larger issues with the story as a whole, which allowed me to finish this chapter. And now that I have a much clearer idea of how it will all end, I am cautiously optimistic that the rest will be easier and will come sooner. I am trying to finish this story this summer, so fingers crossed that it happens! 
> 
> This chapter is told entirely as a flashback because we are missing backstory! Yay! (Oops!) It also gets really angsty, so buckle up for that. And fair warning- it's going to get a little worse before it gets better in that department, but I'm hoping the pay-off is worth it. Also, I don't understand how gun calibers work and was taking artistic license with the reference I make to one based on the bit of information I could find on the internet. If you've got insight about it, feel free to share. Constructive criticism is always welcome. :)
> 
> And finally, thank you so incredibly much! For reading, liking, commenting, and sticking with me. I am terrible at responding to them, but the comments mean the world to me and definitely helped me find my motivation to get back to this story! You're all awesome! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I hope you enjoy!

_\--- Normandy SR-2, two weeks after the conversation in the battery ---_

Shepard was worried. Something was going on with Garrus. She'd seen neither hide nor… _plate_ of him in almost 36 hours and he had been radio silent for the better part of the last 24. Decidedly atypical behavior for him, and in light of their upcoming _plans_ , she was starting to fear the worst. Maybe he had gotten cold feet, changed his mind, and was ignoring her as a way of trying to let her down gently. She hadn't allowed herself to seriously consider this possibility yet as she knew it would be devastating, but the logical part of her brain was telling her that sooner or later she'd have to face the facts. He was avoiding her and there was a very likely explanation as to why.

Of course these thoughts would strike her just as she was leaving Mordin’s lab with a handful of … _supplies_ for their date (and hadn't that been the most awkward conversation she'd ever had with a medical professional). But as the elevator took her to her cabin, she started to wonder if she should throw it all out the airlock and go find Garrus to tell him that she'd changed her mind and the date was off. That way he wouldn't have to say it and could save face without feeling like their friendship was negatively impacted. It stung, and she wanted desperately to dismiss the plan, but the longer she considered it, the more sure she became that this would be the only way to salvage their friendship in what had become a frighteningly delicate situation.

With the weight of the decision settling like a stone in her stomach, she made up her mind. She crossed her cabin to her desk and opened the bottom drawer to deposit the supplies and retrieve her stash of whiskey. With a deep breath, she took a large swig -about two and a half shots worth (damn Cerberus and her god-forsaken implants, but thank the gods for their generous "commissary" budget)- and exhaled sharply as she swallowed against the burn of the liquid going down. After wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, she returned the whiskey to its place and shut the drawer. Closing her eyes and pinching the bridge of her nose, she leaned back against her desk.

“EDI?”

“Yes, Shepard?”

“Please inform me of Garrus’s current location.”

“Officer Vakarian is currently in the main battery performing routine maintenance on the Normandy’s firing algorithms.”

She couldn’t help rolling her eyes at that. “Of course he is. Thank you, EDI. That will be all.”

“Logging you out, Commander.”

With a deep breath, she straightened her spine and set her jaw before leaving her cabin for the elevator and pressing the button for the crew deck.

Though she knew it took only seconds (light years faster than the elevator trips they used to suffer through on the Citadel) _,_ it still felt like a full day cycle. But that was probably just her fear talking. As the elevator opened, she took a quick moment to settle her breath and smooth out her uniform before she stepped around the corner toward the battery.

But as soon as she looked up and saw the door illuminated with a red lock, she felt herself start to panic. She suddenly felt all of the courage she had gathered start to drain out of her as though a stopper had been pulled. But after turning back toward the elevator, she caught her reflection on the shiny metal and mentally kicked herself. She was Commander fucking Shepard and she could do this.

She let out an exasperated sigh and paced the length of the mess several times while her brain when into strategizing mode. She quickly ran through her possible options, evaluating the pros and cons of each. She could knock. Maybe ping him to alert him to her presence. Or, if she wanted to be a dick about it, she could always have EDI open the door anyway. Her thoughts carried her down the length of the catwalk toward the battery and just as she was about to decide which approach to take, the lock on the door shifted to green. But before she could register his movement or correct her path, she collided full-force into a fully armored Turian while wearing little more than her fatigues. Ouch.

He seemed much less affected than she, regaining his senses quickly as he helped her regain her footing. “Shepard, I’m glad you’re here. I was just coming to find you. Are you alright?”

She straightened her shirt and looked up at him. “No harm, no foul, big guy. What’s up?”

He spared her an inquisitive look at the less than familiar human idiom but continued undeterred. “I uh …finally got confirmation on some important intel I've been tracking for a while.  From a contact I need to meet on the Citadel. I was hoping to go over it with you. But the situation it pertains to is… time-sensitive, so I was hoping we might be able to push our date back just a little while I get everything sorted out.”

Her face fell slightly at the request, and she looked down, attempting to hide her reaction. He immediately reached out to lift her chin lightly so she would meet his eyes. “Hey, I’m still very much looking forward to it. I just have something that I need to take care of first. If that's okay?”

He was being oddly cryptic and non-specific. She was always willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, but she couldn’t keep a little bit of skepticism from bleeding through her tone.

“Okay. No worries. We’ll just have our date after… whatever it is that you need to do. And what is that, exactly?”

The look he gave her was equal parts furious and vengeful, and she found that she didn’t like that particular mix. Not at all. Her expression morphed from mild amusement to a concerned frown. “Garrus, what’s going on?”

He let out a sigh as he looked around the empty mess. But he must have decided that he didn't want to take any chances. “Let’s not do this here.” As he turned, he wrapped an ungloved hand around her wrist and gently pulled her with him as he moved toward the battery.

Under normal circumstances the gesture would do little more than make her laugh at his eagerness and marvel at the fact that he was in such a hurry he’d forgotten to put on his gloves, but in light of the conversations they’d had recently and the plans they had for when they docked on the Citadel tomorrow, the touch of his bare hand and the tickle of his talons on her skin sent a frisson of sparks up her arm.

But such thoughts were pushed out of her mind as soon as they stepped through the battery doors and she felt the tension radiating out of him. The lock cycled and turned red and suddenly he rounded on her, eyes intense and voice nearly growling.

“I found him, Shepard.”

She had a passing thought in the back of her head that she should know what he was getting at, but her conscious mind was coming up blank. “Who, Garrus?”

“Sidonis.” The amount of acid in his tone could have rivaled a thresher maw, and it was so incongruous coming from him that it made her hair stand on end. He'd been furious about Dr. Heart on the SR-1 but she was sure he hadn't been this livid, nor this vengeful. It wasn't a good look on him- and considering that she basically created the look in the first place, she would know.

But just as she was about to speak, to encourage him to calm down and think more logically about the situation, her mind flashed to the conversation in which he told her about what happened on Omega.

She remembered the haunted hollowness and hurt she'd seen in his eyes, the regret that had shrunken his normally towering frame, the despair he had felt at his perceived failure, and it sparked her own anger, blazing hot as an inferno and raging with the singular intention of consuming the source of his pain. Shepard was nothing if not loyal, and for Garrus doubly so.  She would rain down suffering upon any who dared to cross him. She set her mouth in a hard line and looked up at him, taking in the piercing blue of his eyes. She wondered if he could see the fury reflected in hers when she met his gaze. Based on what he asked of her, she thought that maybe he did.

“Will you help me with something?”

“Of course. What do you need me to do?”

 

\--

 

Shepard had agreed to help Garrus, though she had reservations about the specifics of his plan. She tried to hold it in, however, and to focus on the rage she felt toward Sidonis and how he deserved what was coming to him rather than on how Garrus planned to do it.

But with every passing second they spent in pursuit of Sidonis’ trail, Shepard was experiencing more and more dread. The fight in the warehouse had been tedious, sure, and Harkin was a complete ass. But more than that, she grew increasingly dismayed because of the hardness that she was seeing come out in Garrus. It caused a chill of pure terror to creep up her spine. She watched helplessly as the fiery vengeance raging in him billowed higher and higher with every shot he fired, threatening to take him up whole with the blaze, consuming his soul with the final shot to Sidonis’s head. The thought made her sick to her stomach.

She knew intimately the way that rage and bitterness could change a person, gnarl their heart, warp their perspective, and she had spent countless hours over the years attempting to straighten herself out. She was still a work in progress and some days she feared she'd never succeed, would never be finished trying to undo the damage she had caused. The idea that Garrus might be barreling blindly toward the same trajectory ate at her until she couldn't stay silent any longer.

As she, Garrus, and Thane stepped into the skycar to head to the Orbital Lounge, she forced herself to work up the courage to say something. She attempted to keep the anxiety she was feeling out of her expression, but she couldn’t keep herself from drumming her fingers along her armored thigh. “Garrus, are you certain this is what you want?” Her voice was somewhat timid and quieter than usual, though she hoped he’d still hear her.

Garrus had such a laser focus on piloting the skycar that he didn't even look at her.

“Absolutely. You know what he did to me. To my team. Someone has to bring him to justice. And I'm the only one left.” His tone was matter-of-fact, almost conversational. It sent the most unpleasant of shivers down her spine.

She narrowed her eyes at him, though he still didn’t spare her a glance to notice. She tried again to make him see reason, her tone light and joking, attempting to get a laugh out of him. Or at least to distract him from his singular purpose. “No offense meant, G, but when _exactly_ did this start being about justice? Because it seems like it was always more about vengeance. And, hey, no judgement. I totally get that, I do. But the thing is- revenge is a nasty business. And I'm not convinced that you know what you're getting yourself into with it.”

He finally turned to look at her, snapping his head around with that avian grace that she still found unexpected when she noticed it. “What are you getting at?”

She bit her lip as if fighting with herself about whether or not she should continue. But with one more look at him, at the hard set of his jaw and the fury in his eyes, she knew she had to try. “I’m just worried -- worried that you haven’t completely thought this through.”

Shepard had often thought that his gaze was intense- piercing even- but the way his eyes bored into hers then put all of those other times to shame. His voice was deceptively soft and quiet, but she knew that a tempest was brewing under the velvety surface. “What are you saying, Shepard? That he should go free and not have to pay for his crimes? That the ten people he sentenced to death aren't worth his one pitiful life?”

She grimaced at the accusation in his words. Though she hated herself for it, she couldn’t force herself to look at him as she continued. “No, that's not what I'm saying at all. What I'm saying is that I don't think you should have to be the one to dole out his punishment. You've suffered more than your fair share, and I know vengeance well enough to know that it's going to hurt you much more than him in the long run.”

His patience was beginning to slip. She heard the shift in his voice, the start of a dangerous purr in his subharmonics. “What the hell are you talking about?”

She took a steadying breath in an attempt to bring down the level of tension in the car. “Garrus, think about it. You're not a cold-blooded murderer or an executioner. Yes, he absolutely deserves to die, but why do you have to be the one to kill him?”

This seemed to give him pause as he realized that she wasn’t necessarily arguing for the traitor’s life. But he wasn’t ready to concede defeat just yet. “Well, if not me, then who?”

She didn’t think she’d ever let out a sigh quite so exasperated. “I don't know... C-SEC?”

He snorted at her, an incredulous sound that could have been a laugh in other circumstances. “Are you kidding? Because that’s not even funny.”

Her patience was beginning to run thin as well, and she knew she was just grasping at straws now. “Well, fuck -- I'm still a Spectre. If I give him over to them and tell them to handle it, they'll have to do _something_.”

“Dammit, Shepard!” He definitely wasn’t laughing anymore. The purr in his voice had grown to a growl. “Why? _Why_ are you doing this? I thought you said you wanted to help me.”

Her heart sank at his words. Her tone was pleading and she found herself reaching out and placing a hand on his arm, begging him to hear her. “I do! I do, more than anything, but Garrus-”

“Then let me do this. I’ll never ask you for anything else. Just let me handle this my way. Maybe it isn't what you would do, but I'm not you.” His voice sounded so bitter, so tortured that she felt tears prickling at the corner of her eyes.

There was no way for him to know how much those words stung, but she still couldn’t help the tear that escaped as he said them. She had to exhale a deep breath to cover the tremor in her voice. “See, that's the problem, G. This is very much me -- the worst of me. But it isn't _you_.”

He took the skycar down on the catwalk across from the lounge. With a heaving sigh, he sat back in his seat as though the fight was draining out of him. Perhaps it was, for his voice sounded hollow when he answered her. “What the hell are you talking about?”

She frowned and closed her eyes. This certainly wasn't how she had imagined this conversation going, if she ever had it with him at all. It took her a few starts and stops to get it all out.

“Back before I … uh, there was this time that … well ... ugh. Look, suffice it to say that you've only ever known me at my best. I have worked very hard to be a good soldier, Garrus, but … I have not always been a good person. But I know, I am _certain_ that you are a good person, and I'll be damned if I am going to stand here and watch you throw that away for some piece of shit like Sidonis.”

“What are you- ugh, spirits-be-damned, Shepard! Don't change the subject! For _once_ , this isn't about you.” Some fury was sparking in his eyes again, and his tone had a flinty edge. She hoped that was a good thing -- that it meant he hadn't given up arguing with her, that he hadn't decided not to listen to her anymore -- but she couldn't quite tell.

“But that's my point. It’s you that I’m worried about! What kind of Commander, or hell- what kind of friend would I be if I let you make the same mistake I did without trying to convince you otherwise?! This is something that changes you, G. Irreparably. You can’t come back from it, and I can’t lose y- ”

She bit her tongue so hard she nearly tasted blood. Her heightened emotional state had almost run away with her mouth and told him truths she was not yet prepared to voice aloud. She looked at him with such desperation in her eyes that she was afraid he'd see right through her. A part of her really wished he would.

“Please, Garrus. I’m begging you to trust me on this. Don't do it.”

They sat in tense silence for nearly a full minute before he exhaled deeply. Keeping his face forward, avoiding her eyes, he opened the door of the sky car and then hesitated. His tone was resolute when he spoke. “I’m going to set up.” He finally turned to look at her, fixing her with a withering stare. “If you’re really here to help, keep him talking until I give you the signal. Then stay the hell out of my shot. Otherwise, I’ll ping you when I'm finished.” He got out and stormed off to his perch. If he could have slammed the door, she thought he probably would have.

“ _Goddammit_!” She tried to stifle the curse that had lodged in her throat, but she found it was impossible. She ground the heels of her palms into her eyes, willing herself to wake up from the bad dream that the past several hours had become. As she sucked in several deep breaths to try to wrangle her emotions back into place, she heard her name in a soft and concerned voice from the back seat of the skycar.

“Shepard? Are you alright?”

She grimaced as she remembered that Thane had been present the whole time and had heard she and Garrus’s … argument (fight? lovers’ spat? was that even still a possibility for them?) but had been too focused on trying to change Garrus’s mind to notice.

“Shit, Thane. I'm sorry that you had to witness that. I apologize for the both of us.”

“There is no need. I can understand your desperation to save him from this decision. I, too, have first-hand knowledge of how mindless vengeance can turn even the most steadfast of souls into husks of themselves, stumbling through life in a meaningless daze.”

She raised a curious eyebrow at him and filed that away, making a mental note to ask him about it later, when she wasn’t preoccupied with saving her best friend from himself. But still she knew an opening to ask for advice when she saw one.

“So, what the hell should I do? He's convinced this will help him, but I can't just let him go through with it. I _can’t_.” She bit her lip and wrung her hands as she sat there, trying to find a solution. He looked at her appraisingly, and she wondered briefly what he saw.

“Have you not already made up your mind as to what you must do? It seems as though you have, but still you hesitate. Tell me Commander, what do you fear will occur if you intervene?”

Even the thought of what could happen if she prevented Sidonis’s death caused her pain. Because she was sure Garrus would never be able to forgive her if she stepped in, and every possible reaction she could imagine him having included him leaving -- the Normandy, the team, _her_ . Shepard knew she wouldn't be able to withstand the reality of it if he did leave. Her voice was thin and brittle with trepidation as she tried to explain this to Thane. “We need him for the mission. And I …   _I_ need him to get me through all this. But I also need him to stay himself, or what's the point?”

“Ah. You fear he will leave if you try to help him do what is in his own best interest, and yet you cannot stand to watch him slip away into battle sleep if you do not. A most challenging conundrum, indeed. But perhaps there is another way…”

Her expression was painfully skeptical as she looked up at him. “What do you mean?”

He paused for a moment before he responded, looking at her intently, his face inscrutable. “Do not forget that I have a very particular set of skills, Commander. My arm is yours until we emerge from the Omega 4 relay. Any orders which you would give until then, be them in the midst of battle or in circumstances more … inconspicuous, would be carried out without hesitation or judgment. I simply offer my skills however you would see fit to use them.”

She frowned at him in intense concentration as she allowed herself to consider what he was saying. Her mind spun out at light-speed, analyzing and speculating, attempting to run all of the possible contingencies and to play out all of the ways things could end, in an effort to foresee any and all consequences. (She preferred not to have things come back to bite her in the ass when she could help it.) With a heavy sigh, she closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the headrest of her seat.

“I’m still hoping it won't come to that, but… set up on the catwalk opposite Garrus. Just in case. Don't let him see you. Just … be ready if this all goes south.”

She wouldn't completely understand the look he gave her then until much later, when she reflected back on their relationship and how it had begun. Still, she could tell that he had just scrutinized her and made a judgment; it seemed he was pleased with her since he looked at her with something that looked a lot like reverence in his eyes. “As you wish, Siha.”

That caught her attention as she opened the door of the skycar. “What was that? My translator didn't catch it. Some cultural idiom?”

His face was carefully blank as she looked back at him. “A story for another time. But do not worry, Commander -- I will await your order.” And just like that, he got out of the car and disappeared into the shadows.

Shepard leaned her head against her hand and said a kind of prayer to any beings out in the universe who might be listening and feeling gracious. _Well, here goes nothing. I sure hope I don't regret this._

As she walked to the prearranged meeting spot, she heard Garrus link into the public comm channel.

“Well, look who's decided to step down from her ‘high-horse,’ or whatever ridiculous phrase you humans use. Now let's get this over with.” He went silent for a moment as he scanned the crowd. It didn't take long for him to find his target. “There he is, the bastard. Ten o’clock, lavender colored markings, about twenty meters away. Call him over.”

She had to fight the urge to turn around and look at Garrus over her shoulder. Instead, she leaned into the hand she had raised to her earpiece.

“Garrus, please- think about what you're doing and whether it's really what you want. Because once this is done, it's _done_.”

“That's the whole point, but thanks for the commentary. Now go get him talking if you're actually here to help me. I didn't ask you to come so you'd lecture me like a child. I could have called my dad for that.” The sarcasm that usually accompanied such jokes from him was absent. In its place was a bitterness that hurt her to hear. And being compared to the elder Vakarian was not something Garrus did lightly. She didn't miss the significance of it, particularly in a situation like this.

She silenced her mic and let out a string of curses under her breath. As she surveyed the area and noticed Sidonis, she activated a private comm channel with Thane. “Krios, are you in position?”

“I am, Siha. And I am eagerly awaiting your decision.”

She blew out an exasperated sigh. “So am I.”

She reactivated the group comm link and announced her approach. “Gods help me, here we go. Approaching the target.”

Sidonis caught her heavy stare halfway across the lounge and moved toward her cautiously. She spoke first as he was closing the last bit of distance between them.

“Sidonis?”

He rushed the rest of the way towards her, hunching over and looking over his shoulders frantically. “Jeez, don't say that name out loud! Are you the contact?”

“... Something like that.” She appraised him as he stepped closer and her heart _almost_ ached for him as she did. “Jesus, man _._ You look like shit.”

His plates were dry and dull and the normally sharp angles of his turian face were made more severe due to how gaunt he look. He couldn't even stand straight, as though buckling under the weight of the burdens he carried. When he spoke, his voice was thin and flat.

“Yeah. Well, insomnia, loss of appetite, and hopelessness will do that to a guy. That and the paranoia- which is why I wanted Fade’s help in the first place. So, what do you have to me?”

She'd be hard pressed to think of someone she'd met who was more haunted by remorse than him (except, of course, for her best friend). She wracked her brain to find a way to illustrate to Garrus how much suffering the turian before her had also experienced. But still she heard Garrus snarl in her ear at Sidonis's words, so Shepard spoke over him as she addressed Sidonis again, her voice pointed and biting.

“You sound like you're wrestling with some massive guilt. Wonder what you did to deserve that?” She stared Sidonis down hard, challenging him to say something. But he simply shrunk further into himself, the beginning of a keen in his subharmonics. Shepard took that opportunity to double down and go in for the kill.

“Hmmm. Well, maybe Archangel can tell me if you can't.”

Suddenly Sidonis’s whole body was overcome with violent shaking. She swore she could almost hear his knees knocking together. “What? Oh spirits -- Garrus?! Is he here? Shit!”

He started to back away and Shepard reached forward to grab him by the collar of his shirt, holding him in place. “Listen, asshole- I am the only thing standing between you and a .50 caliber round to your face, so you'd better stop moving. Garrus, are you hearing this?”

“I heard him just fine, but I don't happen to care.”

“Garrus- he's practically dead already. What possible purpose would this serve?”

She wasn't accustomed to being frightened of Garrus, but the growl he let out and the way he snarled her name made her heart race. “Dammit, Shepard! Get out of my shot!”

At this point Sidonis was leaning closer to her, trying to speak directly to Garrus. She couldn't make out all that he was saying as he was babbling frantically, but one message came through loud and clear. He wanted to die because death would be a comfort to him. Part of Shepard didn't want to let him get off that easy, though part of her wanted to see him bleed for what he had done. But regardless, she still didn't want Garrus to be the one to pull the trigger.

Disregarding all training to the contrary, she turned to find his silhouette on the catwalk above. She stood directly in line with his scope, imagining the red laser dot in the center of her forehead. Her voice was sure and clear as she attempted to reason with him one last time.

“He's already a ghost, Garrus. You won't get any satisfaction out of killing him. All it will do is turn you into a ghost too. But I nee- this galaxy needs you too much for that to happen. Please.”

She waited with bated breath for his response, a very small part of her worrying that he might shoot through her skull to get to Sidonis. Finally though, she heard him growl an agonized sigh before almost whispering to her. “Fuck, Shepard … Let him go.”

She blinked once in stunned surprise that her pleading had worked before she turned toward Sidonis. She fixed him with a piercing glare as she delivered the news. “You're one lucky fucking turian because he's letting you go.”

Then in one swift moment, she silenced her comm and leaned in toward Sidonis to whisper one last warning. “But know this- Garrus is letting you go because he's twice the man you'll ever dream to be. But me? Well, I've always been a little rough around the edges. So get the hell out of my sight before I change my mind and shoot you myself.”

Sidonis didn't need any more motivation than that. He all but ran out of the lounge to gods-knew-where. But as she watched him leave, that simmering fury started up in the pit of her stomach again. For she had looked into the traitor’s eyes and seen his suffering, but it had served as a reminder of Garrus’s suffering and the despair she felt as she watched him deal with all his pain and guilt. And that was something that she needed Sidonis to understand. She re-activated her comm link with Thane. “Krios, tell me you still have eyes on that fucker.”

His tone gave nothing away but with what she knew of him, she could imagine a slight smirk on his face. “Indeed, Commander.” He seemed to draw out the syllables as though reveling in the anticipation of her decision.

“Good. Tail him and find out where he's hiding. I fear I may have to pay him a visit this evening.”

“As you wish, Siha.”

She closed that comm channel and turned back to look for Garrus. But the place on the catwalk where she had seen his silhouette moments before was empty. With a curse under her breath, she unmuted her comm line with him and tried to get in contact with him.

“Garrus, I'm sorry. When we get back to the Normandy, let's talk this through. I'll explain my reasoning and hopefully you'll understand what I was talking about. Okay?”

She was met with silence. Her heart rate spiked and fear began creeping in at the edges of her thoughts. She tried again.

“Garrus, are you there?”

She said a prayer that he was just working up the courage to curse her out, picking the most biting words to use. After everything, she’d gladly take his ire...

“Garrus?”

But this?

“Garrus, come on, buddy. Talk to me. Please.”

More silence. The loudest and most overwhelming silence she'd ever heard.

It was so much worse than any name he could have called her.

Her feet started running before her brain could process what she was doing. When she reached the catwalk where the skycar was parked, her heart bottomed out in her stomach. It was unoccupied, as was the vicinity of her current location. She called his name again, this time without the help of her comm, but still received no answer. It was only due to her recent dusting off of her coping skills (dying violently and being resurrected might have had something to do with that, not that she was in the business of admitting to it) that she didn't succumb to the all-too-familiar tightness that surged up in her chest.

With a snarl, she breathed deep into the panic unfolding in her mind, dug her nails into it, and ripped it apart to reveal rage underneath- all hard edges and something solid to push against. She could work with that. She spun to face the sky car and, in the process, kicked the door hard enough to leave a sizable dent. A second later her omni-tool pinged. Her breath seized in her lungs as she frantically checked it. She was both pleased and terrified to see it was from Garrus.

 _-_ _Don't look for me. I need some space, some time to think. I'll contact you when I'm ready._ _-_

She thought her heart might disintegrate from all the fear and pain she felt in that moment.

_… when I’m ready._

She fought against increasingly blurry vision as tears began to well in her eyes. She read the words a second time, a third time, trying to believe that they weren't as damning as she feared they were. Wiping her eyes, she rolled her neck and tried desperately to force the thought out of her head and regain her handle on the situation. Her N7 training kicked in and reminded her to gather up all the facts and focus on what she could control to decide how to move forward.

The facts were these: She had saved Garrus from himself and in the process, made him mad enough to leave. There was nothing she could do about that now, though, no matter how much it hurt. But Sidonis was still alive and she could decide what to do about that.

She called Thane on his comm and breathed a sigh of relief when he answered a moment later.

“Commander?”

“Did you find him?”

“Yes. He is paranoid, but sloppy in his haste. He was easy prey. Have you given any thought to what you will do now that we’ve found him?”

With an exasperated sigh, she ran a hand through her hair. “Not exactly. But send me your current nav point, and I'll think on it on my way over.”

“It is done. And Officer Vakarian? How is he?”

She bit the inside of her mouth as though containing the words would prevent them from becoming reality. But one more look around her as stood alone on the catwalk helped remind her that it was too late for that.

“... No fucking clue. He's gone and doesn't want to be found. He said he'll come to me when he’s ‘ready’. Whatever the hell that means.” She hated how small and rough her voice sounded as she said it.

Thane hummed his acknowledgement and paused for a moment before addressing her. Shepard heard his measured inhale as he prepared to speak, no doubt choosing each word with intention.

“Though headstrong and occasionally driven to stubbornness, Garrus is above all dependable and logical. He knows the stakes of our mission, and ultimately, I believe he also needs the support of your friendship. I wonder if he simply needs some time to reflect on his choices and remind himself of what he considers to be important.”

“Yeah, I think you're trying to be helpful, but that's actually exactly what I'm worried about. Specifically, I'm worried that after he's done that, he'll decide that what is important to him is getting as far away from me as the galaxy will allow him to go.”

“But I do not happen to believe that this worry is founded, Siha. Regardless, let us focus on the task at hand. We will need to formulate a plan of attack for Sidonis.”

“Right. About that…” Her voice died off as she started to second guess herself. What would Garrus think if she ended up doing the very thing she had begged him not to do? If he ever decided to come back to the Normandy, surely learning that Shepard had killed Sidonis would make him reverse any decision to return or to try to forgive her. Garrus was not one to suffer hypocrites. Yet part of her, a part of which she was not proud but which was becoming louder in the back of her mind, was screaming for Sidonis’s blood, as though it might somehow alleviate both her and Garrus's pain. And didn't that sound uncomfortably familiar...

“I'm not so sure I want to do anything too _permanent_. At least not yet. I want him to know exactly how much pain he's caused Garrus, but I don't want to kill him. At least, I don't think I do. Shit ... I don't know what the hell to do with him."

“A fair point. As you cautioned Garrus earlier, you cannot undo such a thing once it is done. Perhaps you would like some time to think about what you feel is the most fitting punishment? Or maybe you would like to discuss possible alternatives? I am happy to oblige if so.”

“Thanks. I appreciate it. I think I need some time to think, but maybe we can talk tomorrow to discuss a plan. In the meantime, can you track Sidonis remotely somehow to ensure we don't lose him?”

“It is already done, Shepard. I will forward the tracking program to your omni-tool so that you may monitor his movements. And I would be happy to meet with you tomorrow. Now, unless there is something else that you would like my help with, I will return to the Normandy. But please do not hesitate to seek me out there if you wish to discuss things.”

“Thank you, Thane. For everything. Especially for helping to convince me that I did the right thing for Garrus.”

“It is my pleasure, Siha. Farewell for now. Amonkira guide you.”

She heard his line click indicating the end of their conversation. With a heavy heart she got in the sky car and set an auto-piloted course for the docking bays. She leaned back against the seat and closed her eyes with a sigh when a ping from her omni-took startled her. She opened her eyes immediately and looked down, hoping to see some kind of communication from Garrus, but felt her heart sink when she saw that it was a reminder. For her and Garrus’s date. Later that day.

Because of _course_ it was.

She cursed so loudly that she wouldn't have been surprised if they could hear her on the Presidium. With a scowl, she realized that deciding what to do about Sidonis was not the only problem she would need to ponder when she returned to the Normandy.

 

-

 

Shepard was not obsessively staring at the holo clock on her desk terminal. She was not counting the minutes from the time Garrus had left, neither was she counting the seconds until the time when their date was originally supposed to start. She was not waiting with bated breath to hear from Garrus. And she was definitely not ready to leave at a moment's notice if (though she prayed it would be _when_ ) he were to ask to meet her. She also surely didn't have an array of outfits laid out on her bed on the ridiculously off chance that he would actually still want to have their date.

Or at least she wouldn't admit to any of it if anyone were to ask how she was handling her friend’s absence.

When she finally couldn't take it anymore, Shepard reached out to EDI for help. “EDI, do you have a read on Garrus’s current location?”

“Negative, Commander. Officer Vakarian put a bypass in place for the targeting software on his omni-tool which would allow me to pinpoint his location. He has continued to use this bypass since your last communication with him earlier today.”

“Damn. Has he sent any messages or made any vid calls since he started blocking his location?”

“His omni-tool logs show one outgoing communication and one incoming communication though I cannot access the information which would indicate the recipient or sender of these communications.”

She scowled at another failed plan to figure out where Garrus was hiding. “Thanks, anyway. That'll be all.”

“Of course, Shepard.”

She stomped over to her desk and retrieved her whiskey stash and grimaced as she looked at the dwindling contents of the bottle. She should really look at getting that replaced while they were stationed here at the Citadel. With a bracing breath, she threw back a shot’s worth, and then another. Her wince at the stringent burn of the liquor was instinctive though she partly relished the feeling. She sat heavily in her desk chair and leaned her elbows on the desk as she tried to think.

But that proved a trying task. Her thoughts were tumultuous, and she found herself circling back on the same worries over and over again.

 _She had screwed up. Ruined their friendship and anything else their relationship could have been. He hated her and would never forgive her. He was going to pack his bags and walk out of her life forever. She would have to fight the Collectors, and eventually the Reapers on her own. She would be alone for the rest of her life._ _She didn't think she could survive all of that by herself._

It played on loop in her head. Rinse, repeat. Rinse, repeat.

On the beginning of the 4th cycle, EDI kindly interrupted her thoughts. “Shepard, I thought I should alert you that Garrus is no longer blocking his signal and appears to be enroute to the Normandy.”

“Are you serious? Thank any number of gods! EDI, please alert me the moment that Garrus steps aboard the ship.”

“Yes, Shepard.”

Infused with hope and energy at the news that he was heading back, she went into a flurry of activity putting all of her clothes back in her closet and cleaning off the desk to remove the evidence of her earlier drinking. She then ran to her bathroom mirror and evaluated her appearance. She had chosen to change into some neutral clothes while waiting to see what Garrus would do as she didn't want to disappoint herself by getting ready for a date that wouldn't actually be taking place. She gave a second glance to her black slim cut pants and her gray v-neck shirt and decided that she looked good. Casual. Not her typical ‘Commander’ look, and yet not expectant. Ready to go to any relatively nice place on the Citadel without attracting too much attention. It would suffice until she figured out what they were doing. If they were, in fact, doing anything. She supposed that depended on where they stood now. What he had decided while he was off on his own.

As she gave her appearance a final once-over, EDI indicated Garrus’s presence on the ship. With a sigh, she paced a few small circles in her office area as she tried to decide what to do now. How she should approach him. If she should approach him or let him come to her. Whether or not she should bring up the topic of the date if he didn't first.

In the end, she didn't have to decide because suddenly she heard the elevator chiming outside her door and before she knew it, Garrus was requesting entry to her room. Which was was _odd._ Normally he just came in, not bothering to ask, and the change had her worried.

She let him in and stood near her desk, trying to look busy as he crossed the threshold. She wasn't sure what to say and was hoping to try to say something joking to inspire a light mood, but as she turned to meet him, she took in his appearance and her greeting died on her tongue. He was visibly distraught and possibly a little drunk. She looked up at him with concern as he appeared to be struggling to say something, the weight of which was causing him to look physically pained. He couldn't seem to make himself say it, whatever it was, so she hesitantly stepped toward him and placed a tentative hand on his arm.

“Hey, big guy. Are you okay? What's wrong?” Her voice was soft and quiet but he still seemed to respond to it, flinching against her words and shaking his head.

“You were right, Shepard. Again. Of course you were. I didn't really want to kill Sidonis and it probably would have made me feel worse if I did. I just thought it would help. Thought it would help me feel… relief. That's all I wanted. All I want now. More than anything. So how can I get that? What do I have to do? When will I feel less weighed down with all of the mistakes I made? When will I stop feeling haunted by their spirits when I go to sleep at night? When will it _end_?!”

He was keening by the end, burying his head in his hands and crumbling in on himself as the words poured out. Shepard rushed closer, wrapping herself around him in a tight embrace

“Oh Garrus. I’m sorry. So, so sorry.” She wound one arm tighter around him and brought her other hand up to cradle the back of his head. He leaned into her, his keen growing in intensity and rumbling through her chest at their close contact. Even though she wasn't turian, she felt her own grief bubbling up at the sound. It was painful to hear.

“I wish I knew. I wish I could tell you. But I’m afraid it doesn't quite work that way. I’ll let you know when I find out, though. Promise.”

She tried for a joke and considered it a small victory that his keen morphed into a choked sound that she hoped was adjacent to a laugh. She pulled back enough to get a look at his face, and then her eyes met his; his which were bright and sharp with grief, desperate and searching for some reason not to lose all hope, begging for justice in an unjust world. She looked at him and saw his raw expression, his vulnerability and fear and pain staring back at her, and her heart fractured into a million tiny pieces.

And at that same exact moment, she became painfully aware of two indomitable truths.

She was helplessly and utterly in love with Garrus Vakarian.

She would rather die gasping for breath above Alchera all over again than let Sidonis live one more day for making Garrus suffer as he had.


End file.
